Mayoral candidate Count Binface’s plans ‘actually include good points’

It was revealed that London mayoral election candidate Count Binface is polling at the same numbers as Laurence Fox who has been far more in the spotlight.

This was surprising because Count Binface was not expected to do even as well as polling at one per cent.

In fact, Binface is becoming a bit of a slow burn candidate in the election campaign trail and has started to gradually win over the hearts of Londoners, one by one.

In the lead up to an election which feels more like a fever dream than genuine political history, you could forgive voters for being taken in by his charm.

Particularly because people are realising that Count Binface, who was previously called Lord Buckethead and ran in General Election 2019 against Boris Johnson, actually has some pretty decent points in his manifesto.

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Count Binface claims to be 5,965 years old and describes himself as an “independent space warrior,” but that doesn’t mean he isn’t a man of the people.

He actually has a fairly good grip on real world issues and what Londoners truly care about.

For instance, the very first policy on his manifesto is to rename London Bridge after Fleabag and Killing Eve writer Phoebe Waller Bridge, a national hero. This can only be described as entirely reasonable and well deserved.

And you may have heard of the price of milk test for politicians, but have you ever heard of the croissant inflation technique?

A later policy proposal from Count Binface’s manifesto demands that no London café should be allowed to sell a croissant for more than one pound, which is the most sense I’ve heard from a politician in years.

Other reasonable include London being allowed to join the EU as an independent state and speakerphones being banned on public transport, with an accompanying punishment of being forced to watch the Cats movie on repeat every day for ten years.

Binface, for the many and not the few, then requests that all government ministers’ pay, including the mayor’s, be tied to that of nurses for the next 100 years.

He also proposes that the Royal Family be stripped of all palaces bar one, to help solve the homelessness crisis. He says that if they complain about their lack of palaces “they will be forced to buy Crystal Palace FC”.

He also has a separate section of his manifesto just for drug use, where he not only promises to match Sadiq Khan’s pledge to look into decriminalising cannabis, but says he will also be providing snacks across the capital for anyone who gets the munchies.

He turns his gaze to cocaine, which he claims is the far worse drug, for eel-related reasons: “I will focus my attention on the bigger problem of the amount of Class A drugs sloshing around the capital, which has caused the eels in the Thames to get hooked on cocaine, so much so that the eels have become really annoying and won’t stop talking about themselves.”

Count Binface’s manifesto can be read in full here:

1. London Bridge to be renamed after Phoebe Waller.

2. Hammersmith Bridge to be repaired, and renamed Wayne after the former England international footballer.

3. Croydon to get a facelift, ironically.

4 No shop to be allowed to sell a croissant for more than £1.

5. Free parking between Vine Street and The Strand (for electric vehicles only)

6. HS2 protestors to be allowed to build their tunnel at Euston, all the way to Birmingham. To be followed by a second tunnel that links Birmingham to Manchester

7. Finish Crossrail.

8. At Trafalgar Square, Sir David Attenborough to be placed on the Fourth Plinth. Or a statue of him. Either’s fine.

9. Speaker phones on public transport to be banned. Offenders to be forced to watch the movie version of Cats every day for a year.

10. London to join the EU.

11. All government ministers’ pay, including the mayor’s, to be tied to that of nurses for the next 100 years.

12. Loud snacks to be banned from theatres.

13. The Trocadero to be turned back into a truly top-notch video arcade.

14. Piers Corbyn to be banished to the Phantom Zone.

15. I will create a Smart Speaker’s Corner, replacing the usual nutters who stand around at Hyde Park Corner with state-of-the-art technology that (a) understands the Earth is round, and (b) will perform a fart sound on command. The current incumbents can only do the latter.

16. On one day every year, escalators on the Underground to be reversed, encouraging travellers to go up the down escalators and down the up ones, as a free gym and Gladiators simulator all in one.

17. Mask-wearing in public to be encouraged, during the pandemic and beyond.

18. The Royal Family to keep one of Buckingham Palace, Kensington Palace, St James’ Palace and Clarence House, with the rest gifted to the nation to help eradicate homelessness. If the royals complain that one palace isn’t enough, they will be forced to buy Crystal Palace FC.

19. The hand dryer in the gents’ toilet at the Crown & Treaty, Uxbridge, to be moved to a more sensible position.

20. Traitors’ Gate to be reopened for business, and to welcome Dido Harding on Day One.

21. Ceefax to be brought back for all households within the M25.

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